The calm after the storm.

       Have you ever been in a terrifying storm? The kind that makes you run to a safe place and ride the storm out. The kind that leave destruction and chaos. Have you ever gone outside and seen the aftermath of the disaster? Did you think to yourself "I'm lucky to be alive?" Or did you think "this clean up will be impossible?" Were you able to look up into the clouds at the rainbow and the sun kissed sky and think to yourself " life will never be the same?" That's exactly how I feel.
         My life has been a series of storms brought on both of my own doing and some of others. I have made the storms worse and have locked myself so deep inside that the rain and wind would never touch me. After years of living in the basement, hiding from the terrible storm, I realized loneliness had taken over my mind and made me a prisoner. I was a prisoner of fear. I was afraid of the storm outside when I should have been afraid of the storm inside. I was worried people would see how weak I was, yet I was the only one hiding in my safe place while they braved the storm to help save others. They saw through my strong wall face and saw my shaken broken heart. Why was it so broken? I didn't have a good reason, but my mind did. It made up horrors far worse than the storm that had raged. My mind convinced me of the hurricane, tsunami, tornado that was coming for me when all it was turned out to be thunder and lightning. I'm not saying lightning isn't dangerous or scary, I'm saying it's not a tornado. Ashamed, I stayed hidden in the basement, in my assumed safety. Loneliness again made it's way in, which made my thunder storm more powerful. My addiction, rather by force or willingness, opened my "safe" place and made it weaker. I didn't know it, but I was completely vulnerable. Shame took over, whispering lies and false statements. I was left hopeless, ashamed, and alone. As I perceived. The storm stopped raging inside me long enough for me to look outside. The damage wasn't as bad as it seemed. I looked around expecting to see ruin and damage beyond repair. What I saw I didn't ever expect.
           My friends stood, smiling, in the middle of the muddy street. They had been in the storm waiting for me to join them. Even though their hair was messy and they were wet from the rain, they stood holding out their hand to me. Ashamed, I took their hand and started explaining the reason for my hiding. I still didn't know everything, but I knew enough. They embraced me, despite my hesitation and feelings of unworthiness. That's when I saw Him. He held out His nail scarred hands and said " come child, stay with me awhile." Feeling dirty, and shame I inched closer. A voice deep inside me said " It's not real, He can't love you, you've fallen too far." He stood, unmoved by the wind that started to pick up again. His hands still reaching for me. I know what He says, I know how He feels, but I can't forgive myself. I know freedom comes when I take His hand, but I just can't. I'm too ashamed.
            My storm rages. Will it ever end?